Very often I take reality shows for what they are – awesome escapes from my humdrum day-to-day where I get to laugh and freely judge others from the safety of my own couch; saddled with wine, cheese and crackers. Alright Bravo – let’s DO this!! “Oh, Luann…you are so on point. I used to hate you, but now you a sassy bitch and I love it!”, “Sonja, wtf? No seriously, wtf? Pick a goddamn brand and develop it…no, stop dating that creepy 23 year old, he pervs me out” (what can I say, it’s RHONY season….like wedding season for Vince Vaughn/Jeremy Grey, only better).

So, as I discuss the Bachelor/Bachelorette, it is with great trepidation and quite a helping hand that I climb on this high horse. But I must. To not do so would be a discredit to humankind. Not womankind, not mankind. Just people. People should be appalled by what I have seen. Now it started with Juan Pablo, “Carl” as I shall henceforth refer to him, who met a delightful little tart named Clare Crawly. I say tart because hey, I’m still on my judgment couch and listen, it’s the Bachelor, and some person is fighting against 26 other people all who are making out with the same bro, for a chance at true love…so yeah, I called her a tart. You signed up for this show – it’s not a great spectacle of self-worth and esteem as much as it is for those relishing competition and you know, a few steamy make out sessions. Perhaps US Weekly will do a story on you and before you know it you’re the new Doris Day. Or Kim Kardashian. I don’t know, whatever the kids are in to as celebrities these days.

So back to Carl and Clare. If you don’t already know (and obviously you do, but just in case) Carl has a daughter. A young six (then five) year old daughter. He loves her very much and her love, trust and respect for him is the most important thing to him. So, obviously, the next life step to find her a reliable and caring step-mom was to go on the bachelor to gallivant around with 20-some people and find her. Find the one. In this ridiculously bizarre, publicized television show. Carl, good call, keep that respect.

So ok, we’ve established Clare wants nothing but true love with one man and Carl wants nothing but the love and respect of his daughter, which will be achieved through dating 27 women. Done. Episode 9 season 18 commence. In the romantic throes of Vietnam Carl says to himself “self, what a lady you have here. So caring, so wise, so…vulnerable.” After taking Renee on a one-on-one date, and smooching with Sharleen, Carl goes for it. “Clare, in this world of dog-eat-dog, where women are pitted against each other and you must watch me select women one by one like things, I chose you, you Clare, to take a dip in the pool with me.” Shenanigans ensues. And because, well, it is a competition, and Carl just made out with her, Clare goes to Carl, a 33-year old father, and says “hey, let’s go to the ocean.” And Carl, a 33-year old father (I’m sorry, did I say that already?) says “yes”. He put up the fight of his life too. I mean he technically said yes. But he totally Tyra Banks’ed her. With his eyes. He said “no, this is too much, we’re going too fast, I have the respect of my daughter to think of” with his eyes. So we watch Clare, and apparently only Clare, snare this man and take him down in a moment of personal weakness for him, and sex him! In the ocean! FOR SHAME Clare, for shame. Because now, Carl has just lost the respect of his daughter and must somehow explain this debauchery, caused by Clare, to her. Worst. Thing. Ever. What is a Carl to do? In the most poetic and righteous way possible, Carl takes Clare aside to tell her that he regretted her actions, that this was an embarrassment to him because of his daughter, and that quite frankly, it wasn’t fair to the other girls. What Clare did, to him, wasn’t fair. To the other girls. Who are also competing for him. Again, to Clare – FOR SHAME! And as any Tom, Dick or Harry might surmise – Clare got sent home. Not immediately, but soon. Because, you know, chastity and all. She was no longer innocent. So glad Nikki won.

So a new season starts. And in ABC’s answer to the slut-shaming female against female The Bachelor, we start season 11 of “The Bachelorette”. Finally, some reprieve where I get to watch men fawn over a girl and compete against each other for the love of a single woman at one time. Oh, wait, wait. So, hold the phones there lady-friend. Let me get this straight. Before they can “earn” the right to have men fawn over them, we must STILL pit two girls against each other???? Ok, ladies – before you get anything in life, you must compete. Against each other. For love.

Perfect start to the episode. Us viewers, ladies mostly, watch two women fight it out, sassying up to the men to win them over, to win votes. Girls – sell yourselves to these men… 3…2…1…GO! Kaitlyn Bristowe is announced as the ultimate dating warrior champion. And what does she get?! DATES!!! Not like sex or anything, but you know, good old-fashioned wholesome dates with men. Perchance a good night kiss. God speed Britt – I’m sure you shall find your soulmate elsewhere (oh god, at least I hope so, or what does that mean for all of us non-reality show daters? Fuck). Anyway, Kaitlyn now has the right to date. And so the episode goes. A little fawning here, a little overplayed giggling there, some Chris dude kisses her. Oh my. Some bro is all, I love Britt, and I just can’t go on with this lie for another quarter of an episode, and removes himself from the competition without ever really getting to know Kaitlyn. You know, just some good old self-esteem building and all. Some other Calvin Harris-esque dude gets a rose. Then other guys get roses. They’re all jacked up by these roses they posses and the episode ends.

Then we get to the real meat and bones of the episode. Yes, at the very end. With a few minutes to show the viewers what is to come on this season of the bachelorette!! we are given a glimpse in to the most demoralizing, society-centric slut-shaming I have yet to see in reality. Though nothing is stated outright, it is implied (bedroom door closed, do not disturb sign, dark lighting, sheets, you know the drill) that Kaitlyn has in fact slept with one of the contestants. We don’t even get to know who. WHATT??!!!?!?!?! Is of course your immediate reaction. Kaitlyn, a contestant on a dating show, trying to find her true love, actually, fucking, slept with someone. It’s Clare all over again – FOR SHAME Kaitlyn, FOR SHAME! Only, I realize, it’s not just me who feels this way. Apparently every single other mother fucker on that show feels similarly. Additionally, they feel angry. These men are actually angry with Kaitlyn. Fans are shocked. Kaitlyn must address this atrocity asap.

In a clip from “dramatic highlights from this season on The Bachelorette” one jaunty young fellow, who we must assume has never had sex before marriage…or a fantasy suite episode (virrgginnn!!), dares to state “I don’t question his intentions, I question YOUR intentions.” Yeah dude, who is this girl, really? Stringing you along with 25 unsuspecting guys on a dating reality show. Where does she get off?? In response, because one must respond to this, Kaitlyn admits she made a mistake, a HUGE mistake. And that quite frankly “you’d think [she] would have learned at this point.” But she didn’t. She just goes around enticing men who are competing against 24 other men to win her heart and sluts it up. I’m glad at least. Unlike Carl, or even that tart Clare, Kaitlyn had the wherewithal to approach every single man left after that shenanigans she pulled, to address what she did. Good, you better let them know. They, and we the viewers, have the right to know the truth, Kaitlyn! As one gentleman put it “I hope you realize how you’re making us feel.”

Because Kaitlyn went “too far, too fast” – we must actually ponder, per ABC’s request, whether it will jeopardize all of her relationships. God, I hope not, I hope one single sole man will stay, and see past her flaw.

The problem with all of this is that EVERYONE, Carl, Clare, Kaitlyn, and whoever the fuck Kaitlyn slept with are all adults. Capable of making choices. And they ALL made the same damn choice – to have sex. Yet who is the one being shamed? Who’s the one having to go on camera and talk about their shame and their regret? It’s sure as hell not Carl – No, that motherfucker had the goddamn nerve to tell Clare SHE made him do something that would affect his daughter forever. And because of what Clare did, Carl can no longer respect her. Carl. Who said yes to the ocean. Who said yes to the sex. Who said yes to “The Bachelor”. Cannot. Respect. Clare. For what she did. I have no problem with Carl and what’s his face having sex. But you know what else I don’t have a problem with, Clare and Kaitlyn having sex. What I do have a problem with is that, whether for the show or for society, it’s the females that have to go on camera, crying. Apologizing for “what they’ve done” when they haven’t done shit. As Carl and what’s his face continue to sow their oats shame-free, one must ponder, Carrie Bradshaw style, “will Clare or Kaitlyn ever get their ‘happily ever after’ when they just can’t seem to control their sexual impulses?”

And we wonder why women don’t treat women with respect. And why men don’t treat women with respect. And why children think it’s a funny joke to say “hey girl, make me a sandwich!” Carl and what’s his face get to walk around society with their head held high blaming women for whatever went wrong, for whatever didn’t play well on tv, and of course, for bewitching them in to sex. You know, because we all know how much men hate sex. And how maniacal women are about sex. And how society feels about women having one-night stands (you go girl! you get that booty call! Oh man, did he have to do the walk of shame?! Guuuurrrlll high-five a girl!).

I don’t know what the solution is, but I know part of the problem is ABC, who presumably screens and tests shows and episodes before air, believes that society’s reaction is one of shame on Kaitlyn. And that is why we see her groveling and crying while the men are able to judge her freely. And no one is judging the men. No one’s angry at what’s his face. Well, I mean a little, but only out of jealousy. But Kaitlyn wasn’t given a pulpit to say “fuck you, I don’t care” until after the season wrapped. ABC has her on camera bemoaning her un-chaste decision and lamenting what effect it will have on her future; whether on the show, or you know, just as a woman in society trying to find love. WHAT will people think of her? It’s obvious what ABC thinks – apologize. If Kaitlyn apologizes for her actions and the other men condemn her for them – then society will be ok. People won’t be upset that this floozy had sex *gasp* before the fantasy suites. Now sex in the fantasy suites is ok (should you choose to have it – it is highly recommended the women remain chaste and say “I couldn’t, I respect myself and him too much”), because at that point she’s narrowed down the men and that sex is seemingly meaningful. But girls, you better not sleep with that dude before you get to know him, actually get to know his heart, and his soul. No, only Carl can do that. And most assuredly Carl does not like wine.